The mind is a funny thing. Mine does an amazingly convincing job 80% of the day telling me I am ok, I’m dealing with it, I’m accepting my fate, I’m keeping it real. Then come nightfall (something happens when the sun goes down) I am reduced to a sobbing, rocking, snotty mess. Every day at one point or another I am crying. Not okay.
I am also doing a great job fooling everyone, myself included, that I am fine by posting pictures of me looking fine and seeming well when in fact I am not. Well not all the time anyway. This one is a great example of me kidding myself. It was taken at a work function I attended last night. For three hours I was fine talking, laughing, adding value. Then 20 minutes after exiting the function abruptly I was laying on my hotel room floor sobbing and praying for my pain meds to work, trying to figure out why this happened, what I did to deserve this. Not okay.
Also being an A-Type personality I have joined every brachial plexus chat room, facebook community, blog and forum in the world. Not just the domestic ones. Today one of the sites had two posts which stuck with me. One was a man saying he could no longer live in pain and was going to suicide today (and no I did not read the 114 comments but did take a moment to be aghast at the crying emoji someone posted) and the second was a man asking for advice on amputating his non-functioning arm. And yes I did read those comments and the overwhelming advice was CUT IT OFF.
Christ. You kind of have to take a moment and let that wash over you. The overwhelming thing about a brachial plexus injury (or BPI) is that they don’t get better. And the pain is equally permanent.
Permanent. Hmmmm, it is very hard to accept. Especially 30 days in. If you are injured you rarely get told it’s never going to resolve. Even diseases have a resolution, they rarely leave you in pain for.e.v.e.r. One lady was (is) apparently in pain for 38 years, since 1979! Fuck. Me. Drunk.
Perhaps the forums were not such a good idea. Of course not everyone is doom and gloom, but its a dark BPI world out there.
So just to keep it real, and after having just had today’s meltdown not long ago, I needed to say out loud its not ‘all good’. I am not fine or great or going swimmingly. I am sad, hurt and fearful. BUT that is only a small part of the day.
Today when I was curled up on the floor sobbing beside my bed my little daughter found me, told Daddy he better check on me and moments later she, my husband and baby boy were all hovering over me. My daughter gave me a bunny rabbit to cheer me up, my baby boy climbed on me and told me very excitedly a big plane was flying over and my husband just kissed my forehead.
So I got up, kissed my babies and got on with it. Twenty minutes later I felt okay again.
That is how it is. For now.