Well I Didn’t See That Coming

OneGoodArm Swear Scale: Um, none. Blasphemy only.

So today I went to see my shoulder surgeon, innocently thinking he would explain to me this very complex and somewhat unknown surgery I am to have this week where they saw into my bone, find my nerve and sew its ass to its face.

I should have learned by now that what I think will happen n e v e r happens! My god woman, start expecting the unexpected because that is what keeps occurring. How retarded can I be?!

So my shoulder surgeon, who thankfully is one of Gods special creatures, started off by telling me that the surgery this week is not going to be what I was told it would be.

Errr what??!! My surgery is in 40 hours!!

Unfortunately, he explained, he has reviewed all of my scans, x-rays and MRIs, he has also spoken to two Professors, my neurosurgeon and two radiologists and all of them agree the plan for this week should be changed.

FFS, my blood pressure is plummeting.

Well this week we want to open up your shoulder and put a camera in there to see exactly what is happening with this suprascapular nerve. We do this via an arthroscopy (or together with). Once we know where the nerve is, or where the two ends are if its severed and where the damage is we can decide IF we should do the major surgery.

WTF! So TWO SURGERIES! This month!

Well maybe. If the damage to the nerve is at the front of the shoulder and the damage is not catastrophic, they will do another major surgery to repair it. IF the nerve is severed or the damage is right at the back of the shoulder very close to the muscle there is no point.

The sobbing then commenced. When, when will something go my way.

So i then just asked why they don’t just cut the damn shoulder open, find the nerve and repair it no matter what.

The final blow was then served.

In order to do that we need to open you up, cut your clavicle in half, carve out a large section of bone, find the nerve, take out more sural nerve (legs), graft the nerve, put back the removed bone, graft that bone, plate and screw your clavicle and close you up.

Jesus. And like a bomb that keeps exploding, there was more.

AND I don’t want to do that when a) we don’t know if the nerve is even able to be repaired and b) the chances of repairing that nerve are very small and c) even if we do repair it the chances of the repair working are very very small.

My makeup is now all over my face and I am crying like a baby. My lovely surgeon is now hugging me.

So you are basically telling me I am not getting my shoulder back. The one thing I really wanted, is not happening.

It’s very unlikely.

Man, I really did not see that coming. I won’t bore you with the crying and devastation that followed. My work child, who hates hugging, actually hugged me when I got back to the office I was so upset and then bought me a Belgian chocolate mocha and I wanted to marry her it was so good. Except she is my work child so that would be weird. My work wife, who loves hugging, was in another state, so I wanted to divorce her through no fault of her own. Very me.

I managed to stay at work after talking to Husband who told me not to panic just yet. I didn’t listen and totally did panic but managed to complete a lot of work anyway.

So now this week will not go as planned, another surgery – well two actually may be looming but if the second one isn’t looming the outlook is even more bleak and involves two very different fusion surgeries.

What exactly does one wish for??

I don’t know.

So until Friday when I know more, OGA devastatingly out.

Given the chance, would I go back?

OneGoodArm Swear Scale: I Make No Promises

Today is Husband’s birthday. For this reason I took the kids to school – even though I vowed never to do this anymore as it’s so hard to get two kids out of the car, through two child looks gates, carrying two school bags – with one arm. And today it was pouring.

But to help Husband on his birthday I took my two babies to school all by myself. After Husband had buckled them in the car. In the rain. 😝💪🌧 And life, it a tested me.

I drove to the school and even though I have never not been able to park in front of the school – EVER – in three years, today there were no parks. So I parked about ten car lengths away from the school and proceeded to try and get the kids out of the car, in my suit, in the rain.

When the kids got out and started to get drenched like their mother I gathered up their school bags and tried to get the kids to run and jump puddles on their way to the school gate. I managed with great difficulty to do this (you see I definitely don’t enough arms to carry a brolly) and as we approach the double gates – which challenge me in the sunshine let alone in a spaz inducing monsoon – another mother was exiting. JOY someone else to open the gate. But no, the stupid fucking cow let the gate shut and pushed her way past us. As I had my head down to avoid the rain, and stuck my leg out and around my son to usher him through the gate and away from the traffic I looked up to see said fucking cow shooting past us.

“THANKS FOR HOLDING THE GATE!!!!!!” I screamed into the rain. “YOU DIDN’T NOTICE I’VE ONLY GOT ONE BLOODY ARM!” Unfortunately my stink eye death stare was lost in the downpour. She heard me though, my crazy voice penetrates everything in the universe.

Anyhoo I dropped the kids off and my son screamed blue murder as I walked out again into the rain. My heart was hurting. And wet. As i ran to the car I got mud up my leg, my heels filled with water, the bun fell out of my hair and as I jumped into my car I split my skirt open.

Take a breath crazy, take a fucking breath. Don’t. Have. A. Spaz.

As I drove to work I calmed myself down and fixed myself up as best I could when I arrived. Then I went to my first meeting with some shiny fresh faced dude from the UK who had a suit that showed his expensive socks (I am not into this trend), a Rolex I wanted to snatch and perfect hair – then proceeded to tell me, amongst other things, that I should meditate. And that there are many people who use the power of the mind to get limbs working again.

Oh. Is that right.

Despite this rocky start I told him, after much feedback about his advice, that this injury had shown me many things and that given the chance I am not sure I would go back. Would I undo what had happened?

No, I am not sure that I would.

WTF?! I HEAR YOU SAY. Well, as I sat there pondering this statement I had never made before, and why I made it to Mr Dainty Hands is beyond me, but nevertheless I explained that much had happened, for the better, and I am not sure I would want to undo it. Would I want to not know what I now know.

You see this injury has shown me I was taking my life for granted, my children, my Husband, my family – everything that was my most precious, I would have a spaz over the most ridiculous things, not appreciating that I had everything I have ever wanted. And I was still not happy.

And I have seen the most magnificent behaviour from people who love me, my Husband, my parents, my sisters, my best friend, our friends. Love like I had never known. It is a gift that I could not return. Of course I have also seen appalling behaviour and abandonment from some friends, but that is not nearly enough to outshine the wonderful.

So even with all the pain, the suffering, the challenges that face me hundreds of times every day and will challenge me for the rest of my life – would I go back and change what happened, given the chance? Whilst having two arms again is appealing, VERY appealing, I do not think I would give back everything I have gained to return my arm.

Not being able to lift the children absolutely breaks my heart but appreciating their magnificent life to a far greater degree is far more valuable. You cannot learn these lessons by people just telling you to be more appreciative. It is like, as I always say, it is a tragedy of life that you don’t appreciate your mother until you become a mother. And you don’t fully appreciate your life until it is almost taken.

I know many people appreciated their lives more than I did, but I have been given a gift of being taken to the edge and being allowed to come back and thank the heavens for everything I already have.

So no I would not go back, not if I have to give up everything I have learned and experienced.

So despite all my fucking complaining, this injury has made me a better person and improved my gratitude for life exponentially. And that, is priceless.

OGA Out.