So yesterday I had to go to the GP as I was running out of drugs and my stupid phucking pain physician who writes all my scripts left 75% of my meds off the script and promptly went on holidays. Not happy Jan! Now given I am on quite an array of medications and I am not sure which one is keeping me sane, running out of any is not an option.
I am pleased and proud to report I have booted endone already, all my remaining drugs are nerve drugs. So given I don’t actually have a GP I had my trusty assistant find me one near work. And did she deliver. I met Dr Isabelle and could not have loved her more. Hands down the best, most thorough, loveliest, explanatory human with a medical degree ever. LOVED her. I may have even said that in the consult. Well i did. Yes she blushed. She could also type at the speed of sound (like I used to) whilst talking to me and not looking at her hands. VERY RARE for a GP.
So I told her all about my accident, she explained that one of my drugs which is a nerve drug and also an antidepressant was prescribed in such a low dose it is medically not possible for it to work as an antidepressant. Go me! Here I was thinking that one was keeping me from diving off the deep end. Turns out, no.
Then problem 2, Colin’s man flu. After some comprehensive use of the stethoscope Dr I Love You told me she could hear something very suspicious in my left base (of my lung) and she thinks it’s pneumonia. Having had full blown pneumonia when I was 30 I didn’t think this was out of the question.
The main problem this time is coughing is so painful I want to die. Like phucking kill me, face down in the carpet, holding my shoulder in the socket with the only good arm I have, asking my 4yo to get me toilet paper to spit out lung in, crying my eyes out painful.
So onto antibiotics i go. More pills!
Then today has been the weirdest day ever. This morning I woke up and felt like I had been trampled by an elephant or two. This is not abnormal lately given I am drugged to the eyeballs daily so I didn’t pay much attention to it. Husband made me a coffee, joy, and I dozed before I heard the dulcet tones of my babies.
Then I had a shower and got dressed. I went in to get the babies up and my son did not want to know me. He does this when I have been at work too much. I instantly got annoyed with him and went to snuggle my other child – thank god for back up children. Clearly the little monster was deliberately trying to hurt me. It worked.
Then Husband walks in and the little f45ker calls out “DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!” like Husband was made out of chocolate and carrying all my sons lifelong dreams in his arms. Now Husband is in trouble too for being party to the emotional flogging. I might rename them both Colin.
So I snuggled my daughter, who clearly wasn’t into it, and asked to be let free. Ok I officially hate everyone. Especially little Colin. And little Colinette. Chocolate Husband is on the ropes.
So a normal morning followed. Milk for little Colin, Milo for Colinette, seventeen coffees for me and Husband, drugs, coughing up a lung twenty three times, yelling at the dogs to stop barking at the wind, cursing, picking up toys, Husbands phone ringing eighty three times. Etcetera.
I wasn’t in a bad mood persay but you know, the elephant trampling. And the children tearing out my soul. And the bits of lung littering tissues in every bin. It was adding up.
So by mid morning I told Husband I had to lay down as ‘tired’ no longer resembled what I felt. If I didn’t lay down, falling down was approaching. So lay down I did. Then the turmoil from the children torturing me, my arm being overly painful, the coughing, the hacking, the choking – it all led to the biggest melt down to date.
I cried so much it looked like I had wet the bed. It was the sorriest I have felt for myself to date. I muttered ‘this is too hard’ and ‘I don’t want to be this ruined person’ and other rubbish similar for an eternity. I would calm down and stop crying momentarily to only start again with more force. I don’t know how I had the energy to be honest.
I could not understand how I will live this life with one arm. All the things I can’t do are piled up everywhere, taunting me. I don’t feel like me anymore. I cried because people are coming off their race bikes left and right, and superficial injuries are all that emerges. Why me with the lifelong disability because of someone else’s negligence. Crying, crying, crying.
So when I finally ran out of everything required to produce such violent emotions I got up and went through the day reasonably normally. I napped, watched the kids (not at the same time) drank fluids, responded to emails. Then by nightfall I actually felt fine.
All the poor me, how will I be happy with one arm rhetoric had gone. I am still phucking annoyed at Colin for the pneumonia but otherwise – sort of happy. I read my daughter a book about animals and Husband showed me what a nudibranch was. I know right 🙂
The day was WEIRD. I do not know how one goes from one end of the spectrum to the other, but it happened. I hope I don’t slip back any time soon.