So yesterday I went for my nerve conduction studies. This involves running electricity through the arm to see how it responds. Its very much like being zapped by an electric fence over and over.
My horse friends will relate that one zap of an electric fence can send your rageoholic meter from 0 to 700 in a millisecond so imagine this happening again and again at the hands of an insensitive ham fisted dickhead (HFD). A homicidal psychopath was brewing. Lucky I only have one arm or I might have shoved his electrode somewhere it had never been.
Anyhoo I had my trusty helper with me which was very good so I didn’t have to go through it alone. Unfortunately the aforementioned HFD who did the electro conductive testing seemed to have a problem grasping the English language .
Me: “my elbow is extremely sensitive so please be careful”
HFD: “is it! Ok I will be careful”
He then proceeded to shove the probe which looked like a Tazer into my elbow flab with no gentility whatsoever.
Me: “fuck! That really hurt”
HFD: “oh” with no change in technique.
Meanwhile I am preoccupied wondering if my snazzy cast would stand up to beating him to death and he continued to shock me into a stupor.
After this lovely round of testing another man, an actual doctor, came in to give me an EMG which involved sticking a needle in various parts of my arm and spine. It was the moment of truth apparently.
The Dr. asked the HFD for an overview of my accident (even though I was right there) to which he responded “motorbike accident 200kph, suspected brachial plexus injury, arm completely useless at the elbow”.
The Dr. turns to me and says “200kph, is that even possible!!” How does this man have a medic al degree!!
“I was on a race track doing race practice”
“well you are extremely lucky to be alive!!”
YES I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!! Kill me, just shove the probe into my brain and end my misery.
He proceeded to stick a reasonably fat needle into my arm asking “does this hurt”.
“Yes, yes that does!” – No response. Why ask me!
More casually sticking the needle in my arm, bicep, tricep and shoulder and nonchalantly commenting to the ham-fisted dickhead “there is nothing there is there” like I wasnt in the room and he was testing a dead chicken carcass.
Then came the point when he was going to stick the needle into my spine. I said “Please be extremely careful before you shove that metal spike casually into my spinal cord!”
So he proceeded to go to the back of my neck where he saw the scar from my previous spinal surgery and said to me aghast “what is this scar!”.
I replied “I had previous spinal surgery to my C6/7 Vertebrae.
“You are too young for that!”
Christ I am in an alternate universe where everyone is a moron. Clearly I am not too young as I have had the fucking surgery!
“This is no virgin neck” he says to HFD. Nice.
He then proceeded to stick the needle into my neck in various places which was mildly excruciating.
The end result. “This is very bad”.
Gee thanks, you are a genius.
He then told the HFD to type up the report and casually washed his hands and said “well, goodluck with that” and left the room. Thanks! Great advice.
So after all this fun and excitement which also cost a fortune I did a full days work and caught the train home looking forward to feeding the horses and then seeing the family.
When I got home my dogs were barking very excitedly at something making a lot of noise in our dam. Upon investigation my big horse had got himself seriously tangled in a wire fence.
Seriously life, are you kidding.
So I ran to him and luckily having spent 15 years with this mule he immediately stoppedThere was no getting him out with one arm.
So with the help of my darling neighbours and some serious bulk cutters we got him out with barely a scratch.
Life you see does not give a shit about your circumstances and you have to cope. Crying does not get your most precious horse out of the fence. Being calm and problem solving does.
Life goes on, it does not wait and last night I thought, thank god for that.
Here he is before my accident a few months ago. My darling boy. I will ride you again soon.